My Real Life

I love kids.  I love my kids, in particular.  All three of those monkeys fill me up with more love that you could ever imagine.  Unless you are a mom.  Then, you’re feeling me.

However, I want to talk today about little kids.  Toddler aged kids.

I’m always amazed at toddlers.  I could sit and look at Baby Monkey all day long.

Look at this hand.

Now, look at this hand next to mine.

It’s so tiny!  But, it works.  He can pick up things, play his drums, count to five, pick his nose…okay, perhaps the last one is more gross than amazing, but still.  I’m just always amazed at toddler parts. 

They are so tiny, yet they work.  These little bodies contain actual human beings with personalities and thoughts and emotions.  Their little legs run and jump and play and keep their bodies upright.  How can something so little work as well as a full-grown body?

And their legs.Check out that leg. 

Don’t you just want to bite it?

These little people never stop moving.  They are busy constantly.  It’s almost impossible to find a picture of them being still.

And when they sleep?

I’ve died and gone to heaven looking at that peaceful face.  I’m sure his brain is just as busy as it was hours before.  Imagining all the noise he can make and all the trouble he can find.  But for now, he’s peacefully sleeping and I can just stare at him, without getting whiplash. 

Yep, there’s nothing like the miracle of a toddler.  All that bravado, personality, emotion and wonderment inside a tiny package.  If you are lucky, it all works the way it is supposed to and life is sweet.

Imagine how amazing he’d be if he’d just go on the potty.

So, Saturday started out like any other day around here.  Kids up at the crack of dawn, breakfast, games, etc.  It was a good day.

We’ve gotten almost all of our Back-to-School shopping done, however, we needed new sneakers for Monkey Girl and Monkey in the Middle.  I’ve never seen children wear shoes like these kids.  It may have something to do with the stream in our backyard and the exploring that they like to do in the woods.  It doesn’t really matter how they get that way…the bottom line is, they needed new sneakers.

So, we decided to hit the mall.  I hate shopping.  I hate malls.  Always have.  Always will.  However, sometimes it’s a necessity, and it’s a real treat for the kids since we don’t do it often.

The kids favorite thing about the malls here is that they all are now equipped with play areas.  Being that they are monkeys, you can imagine how much they love to climb and play.

Another favorite thing of my kids at the mall is Mrs. Fields where we usually buy each monkey a cookie.  Unfortunately, the mall we went to on Saturday was the one without a Mrs. Fields.  So, we timed our trip around lunch time and treated the monkeys to McDonalds, instead.  Big treat.  BIG.

While we waited in line, the monkeys swarmed the scary Ronald McDonald that sits on the bench by the checkout counter.  I’ve never understood the thought behind taking a scary clown (and if you try to tell me that clowns don’t horrify you, too, I won’t believe you) and making it into an advertising gimmick to get kids into your restaurant.  If the Chicken McNuggets didn’t rock my world as a kid, I’d have run screaming as we passed every McDonalds.  (Don’t even get me started on the Grimace.  What the heck is he, anyway?)

So, here they are with their long-lost friend, Ronald.

I always think he’s going to come to life and eat the kids while they climb on him.  So freaky.

After lunch, we decided we had dilly-dallied enough and it was time to find shoes for the monkeys.  Stride Rite was RIDICULOUSLY busy, so while Real Man went off in search of some new shoes for himself, I took the monkeys to Sears.  We found great sneakers there and were set. 

I called Real Man on my cell and said, “Where are you?”  His response was the cruelest thing he’s ever said to me.

“I’m at…the pet store.”

See, Real Man doesn’t ever want a pet again, so why he was at the pet store is a mystery to me.  I can only imagine that it was to torment me, but since I know how much he loves me, I refuse to buy that as a reason. 

Knowing he wasn’t purposefully trying to crush my soul didn’t help as the monkeys and I approached the pet store and saw this sign in the window:

Puppy Sale. 

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

There were the cutest puppies I’ve ever seen in that store.  Puggles and Shi-Tzus and Dachsunds.  A beautiful English Spaniel, and a tiny little English Sheepdog that better be adopted soon or he’s gonna hulk his way out of that cage.

Then, there he was.  An absolutely gorgeous golden Labrador Retriever puppy.  I could hear the sound of my heart breaking in a million pieces as he looked at me through the bars of the cage.  It was love at first sight.  I know we both had visions of running toward each other in a field of tall grasses.  We imagined me sneaking him food from the table, taking him for walks, and letting him up on the bed after Real Man had fallen asleep. 

Alas, it was not meant to be.  We’re not getting a dog, and if we were (which we’re not) we’d adopt from a shelter.  And still…

I wonder if he’s thinking about me right now.

As I was going through the pictures to find an appropriate one for the caption contest, I couldn’t help but be struck by the pictures of all three monkeys together.  In every picture of all three monkeys together, Baby Monkey is being manhandled by either his sister or his brother, or both.  I realize that I was probably the architect of all of the manhandling, saying something like “Don’t let the baby fall!” yet still…poor baby!

Yet, he seems to be quite tolerant of it all.  Not particularly happy with it, but tolerant.  He seems to know that it comes from a place of love, despite how it happens in practice.

It began early.

I think that I tried to intervene by saying “Why don’t we set him on the chair?”

That was a backfire.

He’s on the chair, but now he’s smushed and Monkey Girl still has her hands all over him.

See the shell shocked look?  See Baby Monkey wondering, “Is this the rest of my life?”

Eventually, he got used to his role.  However, it got old real quick. 

I call the next series, “Study of an Escape.”

The manhandling begins and he’s accepted his lot in life.

He tires of it and tries to rebel.  Note the looks on Monkey Girl and Monkey in the Middle’s faces.  “Mom?  He’s escaping!”

Rebellion thwarted, Baby Monkey pulls out the strongest tool a baby has.

Okay, a full diaper would have been a stronger tool, but the tears was also quite effective.

Holidays are the worst for the baby in a family.  There is no escape from the manhandling.  Even if he’s not being completely held, someone’s always touching him.

Even Santa can’t keep his meaty paws off of the baby.

However, look what happens when he’s allowed to sit alone, everyone respecting his personal space.

What a smile.  Be still my heart.

 As they grew, Monkey in the Middle felt confident enough to try it himself.

 Poor kid can’t even get a break while eating.

So, such is the lot in life of my Baby Monkey.  The funny thing is that the other two monkeys have no idea that Baby Monkey takes after Real Man and as they get older, that Baby is going to outgrow both of them.  Now THOSE will be some interesting shots.

For now, though, he’ll have to endure the love and tight hugs of his brother and sister.

I don’t know where they learned it.

So, I have a guilty pleasure.  A guilty, guilty pleasure.  It’s something I absolutely should not do.  It’s something I do in secret when the kids are sleeping or otherwise occupied and I know they won’t come sneaking up on me.  It’s something that is bad for me.  Way bad for me.  But, I can’t help it.  It’s an addiction.  One that I don’t want to beat.

What is it?

It is this:

Turkey Hill Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup ice cream.  An enormous scoop.  On a sugar cone.

Let me just say right here, before I continue, that the first one of you to utter the words, “But you are diabetic” will be banned from the site.  Permanently.  This is information I already have and is information I choose to ignore in the face of Turkey Hill Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup ice cream, heretofore to be referred to as “The Sin.”

I am, what you may call, a connoisseur of ice creams that blend the flavors of chocolate and peanut butter.  In fact, I’m a connoisseur of anything that blends chocolate and peanut butter.  Pre-diabetes, when feeling blue, I’d take a whole Hershey bar and dip it into a jar of peanut butter.  Repeatedly.  It always made me feel better.  I have changed those ways, but the ice cream?  Give a girl a break.

Anyway, lots of ice creams have the chocolate peanut butter flavor, but not all are fabulous.  Friendly’s has a flavor with the promise of actual peanut butter cups inside.  It is rare that you actually find a whole cup…in fact, you usually just would find the chocolate shell. 

But, The Sin doesn’t make promises on which it can’t deliver.  Inside every container of The Sin, you will find an enormous vein of solid peanut butter running through it.  Digging into the soft chocolate ice cream with your scoop, you are reminded of the men who spent their lives in the mines, looking for that line of silver or gold in the walls of the cave.  Then, there it is.  A strike. 

There are several of these per container.  So, each cone is it’s own experience. 

Look at it.

In order to be more healthy, (I know, there is nothing healthy about this), I’ve recently started having my Sin in the afternoon, before dinner.  That way, I’m still up and active and have some shot at lowering my blood sugar after eating it.  It seems much wiser than eating it while sitting in bed, then falling asleep in a Sinful coma.

So, now you’ve seen my shame.  Isn’t it great?

Well, a big thanks to the THREE of you who participated in the contest.  Actually, it’s only more like two, because “tlm” is Real Man and he’s not eligible.

So, our first place prize goes to my old friend, Dave, who won with:

Hey Mom! Our sheepdog exploded!

The monkeys loved the idea of an exploding sheepdog! 

Second place goes to my lovely friend from work, Sharon! 

Sharon’s entry was:

A little tape and the economic crisis would be solved!

Don’t think you won second by default, Sharon.  I’m sure you would have been a winner even if there were hundreds of entries. 🙂

So, Sharon and Dave, your gift cards are on the way!

As for the rest of you…we’ll see you next time.