My Real Life

Today’s question comes from Jeff.

Jeff asks: If you had group therapy with yourself and the members of the group were you at various ages (teen ager, twenty year old, thirty year old, forty year old, fifty year old and sixty year old)?  What would each member of the group be working on(yourself at different ages), or will be working on (future ages)?

Great, great question, Jeff…

Looking around the group, I’d see teenage me.  Let’s say, at 15.

That girl would, most likely, be working on feelings of invisibility.  I went about my days feeling largely invisible, at 15.  I had my friends, but no one else really seemed to notice me.  This wasn’t always a bad thing, as I love to observe, and being unnoticed meant that I was completely free to watch everyone else.  However, that feeling that no one really saw me was definitely something that wore on me, as time went on.  To an extent, it follows me, even as an adult.  Real Man and I continually bump into people we graduated from high school with and they’ll say “Hey!” and shake Real Man’s hand and chat with him and then ask to be introduced to his wife.  Real Man will say, “You remember Amy?  She graduated with us?”  They look at me with blank, apologetic stares.

So, that quiet 15 year old is working on not feeling invisible.

Next to her, sits a 25 year-old young woman.  She’s there to work through the responsibilities of adulthood.

At 25, I was teaching 8th grade Science at a school that I loved.

I was making money, I was sharing a house with Mike and Nita, my roommates.

I was dating (and was about to become engaged to) Real Man.

Life was good, for sure.

However, 25 is young.  Very young, and at 25, you feel so adult, but at 40, I can look back and say “How young it is to be 25!”

Paying rent, having a job that required me to get up at 6:30 in the morning, teaching piano lessons after school, paying off debt, getting my first masters degree, thinking about marriage and the future.

It wasn’t hard…it was wonderful.

Yet, it was new and challenging and required a lot of self-reflection, and so this 25 year-old woman is working on being an adult, while still feeling a teenager in so many, many ways.

The 35-year old woman in the circle is in the midst of a life-changing decade.  In the course of 5 years, she had given birth to 3 children.  She had moved into her third home with her husband.  She had changed school districts, had taken on more responsibility at work, had enrolled in her second masters and principal certification program, was diagnosed with diabetes, was diagnosed with Kikuchi Fujimoto disease, which led to a neck surgery which, accidentally, severed a major nerve in her neck, and endured sinus reconstruction surgery.

Throughout it all, she had discovered the endless joys of motherhood, deepened her already strong bond with her husband, found how strong she could be and what she could endure and survive, and come to grips with the fact that her life would never, ever be about her again.  Life was busy, and exhausting, and rewarding and good.  What she is working on is how to maintain a bit of herself in a life that was all about taking care of everyone else, without feeling guilty about it.

The 45 year-old me will have a 16 year-old teenage daughter, and boys who are 13, 11, and 6.  It will be a life full of sporting events and plays and concerts and college visits.  She’ll, likely, spend most of her life in the car and life will be a contradiction of a child getting ready to leave school and another just beginning.  Proms and first concerts.  Drivers permits and first lost teeth.  It will be a time of hello’s and goodbye’s and will be tearing at her heart in more directions that she ever imagined were possible.  Luckily, she won’t be alone, and she and her husband will be each others greatest support and comfort.

So, this 45-year old woman will be working on how to deal with beginnings and endings without feeling as though the world is crashing down around her.

Finally, the 55 year old woman will be in a home where there is just one child.  Her 26 year-old daughter will (hopefully) be off on her own, with a job and a life that is not dependent upon her.  Her 23 year-old son will be in the same situation and her 21 year-old son will just be beginning an independent life.

She and her husband will, after so many years, be in a home with just one child, a 16 year-old boy, and it will be an adjustment.  They will begin to be thinking about an empty nest, and what that will mean for their lives.  They will probably be beginning to plan for retirement, although that will still be at least, AT LEAST, ten years away, probably more.  If I know this woman, (and I think I do), she will be starting to feel a bit of guilt about the stirrings of excitement of being able to start planning for things like long-term travel and other things that she and her husband were not able to do with a house full of children.  She will miss her children, terribly, but will, hopefully, be comforted by the knowledge that they are self-sufficient, happy adults.

So, this is a woman who is planning for the future, enjoying the present, and beginning to let go.

The 65-year old woman could possibly be a grandma, so, although I think I will ROCK grandmotherhood, I don’t really want to talk about that possibility right now.

I have a confession to make.

I guess, as far as confessions go, it’s not a huge confession, because it’s not much of a secret among those who know me, but after re-reading what I’ve already written, it does make me feel a little pathetic.

I love television.

I’m not a trendy TV watcher.

I know the big thing is reality tv, and EVERYONE is watching it, but it doesn’t hold much appeal for me.

I watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and the first few episodes of Dancing with the Stars.

I will admit to even watching the last season of Bachelor Pad.

I’m embarrassed by that one.

I give Big Brother a good ole’ college try each season, but usually am out two or three episodes in.

Overall, reality tv doesn’t do it for me.

I love shows with stories.

Shows that let me take a break from reality and get lost in the story of some fictional character.

Shows that are more like books than like real life.

It’s why I love movies and Broadway, as well.

It piques my imagination.

Normally, people can enjoy television and it’s not a problem.

I am not one of those people.

The problem lies in the fact that as much as I enjoy television, I enjoy being outside and playing with my kids more.  I love tv, but have a hard time sitting and watching tv, because there are so many other things I could be doing, so, I record things and then they build up until I get the message that I don’t have any more memory left on the DVR and it’s time to either sit down and watch for three days, uninterrupted or start deleting.

Let me share with you what is currently on my DVR.

The Office

30 Rock

Revenge

Modern Family

Suburgatory

The Middle

Private Practice

Unforgettable

New Girl

NCIS

House

GCB

Desperate Housewives

The Mentalist

Rules of Engagement

Fairly Legal

Smash

Bones

Castle

Grimm

Scandal

Awake

Up All Night

Touch

Criminal Minds

Glee

Happy Endings

Bent

Breaking In

The Vampire Diaries

Gossip Girl

Once Upon a Time

Game of Thrones

In Plain Sight

Seriously.  This is like digital hoarding.  Someday, there will be a TLC show about me.

And I’ll DVR it.

So, it’s time to cut the proverbial fat, my friends.  And I’m going to do it here, as I type, because I need to be held accountable.

First, we have the non-negotiables.

These are shows that I will not, under any circumstances delete or stop recording.  They are just that good.

Modern Family, The Middle, Suburgatory, New Girl, and Happy Endings are the comedic non-negotiables.

I watch Modern Family and The Middle with Real Man, and we both enjoy them.

Suburgatory and Happy Endings I watch alone and they make me smile.

New Girl I watch alone (although Real Man seems to be in the room more and more when it’s on) and I laugh like a freaking hyena.  Absolutely non-negotiable.

My non-negotiable dramas are: Unforgettable, Fairly Legal, In Plain Sight, Castle, Criminal Minds, Game of Thrones and Once Upon a Time.

Unforgettable and Once Upon a Time are shows I watch with Monkey Girl.  We DVR Unforgettable and try to watch Once Upon a Time when it’s actually on.  It’s like our Sunday night date.

Castle, Criminal Minds and Game of Thrones are shows I watch with Real Man.  Castle: one of the smartest shows on television.  Criminal Minds: just so enjoyable.  Game of Thrones: satisfies the inner (and outer) geek in both of us.

Fairly Legal and In Plain Sight are cable shows that I really enjoy.  I think cable shows are so witty and entertaining.  In Plain Sight is ending this season…in fact, the episode I have DVR’d is the series finale, so I don’t feel badly about keeping this, since it will be no more.  It’s okay, though, because over the summer, I love Necessary Roughness, another cable show, and that will take it’s place.

Now, I have some that can go immediately

Private Practice – used to watch, lost interest, tried to watch again, diligently recorded, don’t care.  Gone.

NCIS – Love me some Leroy “Jethro” Gibbs and really love me some Agent DiNozzo.  However, I’m not loving the show anymore and when it’s time to watch something, I never pick this.  Buh-bye.

Desperate Housewives – I’ve never been a regular watcher, but it’s the final season and I love beginnings and goodbyes and so I tried.  Unfortunately, I’m not loving the lives of the women on Wisteria Lane, so farewell, ladies.  You had a good run.  Just not with me.

Scandal, Awake, Touch, Bent, Breaking In – They all intrigued me when I saw the commercials.  So, I recorded all the episodes.  Never got around to them.  Clearly, they didn’t intrigue me enough.  See ya.

Gossip Girl and The Vampire Diaries – Deleted.  But, I’m cheating.  I love these shows that are 100% not made for people of my demographic profile.  So, I watch them on my computer when I’m folding clothes.  Gotta love cwtv.com

Grimm – I’m a big fan of the supernatural.  In fact, Supernatural, is a show I used to record pretty regularly until I realized the stories were just being recycled.  Love me some Sam and Dean, but how many times can they die and go to hell and come back and chat with God and Lucifer like they were high school football buddies?  Grimm, despite it’s good intentions, also appears to be a one-trick pony.  Guy is descended from the Grimm brothers and can see the creatures and is trying to do right by the world by getting rid of the evil beasties.  I get it.  I saw it.  I’m good now.

GCB – I really, really enjoyed the first three episodes of this show.  Then, I kinda lost it.  It was a too passionate romance.  We fell in love, burned like wildfire, and then petered out.  No staying power.  Sorry, GCB.  You weren’t the one.

Up All Night – I will pretty much watch anything with Christina Applegate.  I’ve always been a fan.  Add Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph and you should have GOLD!  Except, it also has one storyline and it’s played out.  So, away it goes.

The rest are harder to deal with, as there are mixed feelings involved.

Relationships.  They’re tough.

The Office.  We’ve been together a long time.  A very long time.  But, it’s gone through some changes and I don’t think it’s weathered those changes very well.  Steve Carrell…I miss ya, buddy.  James Spader…You should have called it a day with Sex, Lies and Videotape.

30 Rock and Rules of Engagement.  These are shows that Real Man and I watch together, but we don’t always keep up with them.  We’ve missed episodes, here and there.  30 Rock is hysterical.  Tina Fey is one of my favorite funny women.  Genius.  Alec Baldwin.  Horrifying human being.  Wonderful comedic actor.  Rules of Engagement.  Since his days as David Puddy, I’ve loved Patrick Warburton.  Add David Spade and I’m good to go.  However, neither Real Man nor I can stand Oliver Hudson’s wife in this show, and I’m not a great fan of Warburton’s wife, either.  Get rid of the women and I’d love this show more.

We love House.  I love Hugh Laurie and am absolutely intrigued/repulsed by/in love with Gregory House.  He’s a train wreck and I can’t stop watching.  I haven’t been totally loving this season.  However, we keep taping and keep watching, albeit weeks and weeks after the original air dates.  Tough call.

Bones and the Mentalist.  Love Bones.  Love David Boreanz.  Angel was one of my favorite characters EVER and I’d watch anything with David Boreanz.  However, I’m so backed up on this show, I haven’t even watched the one where she had the baby, yet.  I’m on the fence.  I love the Mentalist, as well.  Just a good cast with good stories.  Except…I really don’t like Robin Tunney as an actress.  Nothing against her, personally…I’m sure she’s lovely.  I just don’t quite gel with stuff she’s been in.  And, she and Simon Baker don’t really have any chemistry, and I kinda miss that in a show.  Eh…I don’t know.

Glee.  Love to dance.  Love to sing.  Would have loved to have gone to a high school where it wouldn’t have been frowned upon to just burst into song at random times, and where I would have had a backup band whenever I did so.  So, despite the almost painful-to-watch storylines this year, I keep watching.  We’ll see if I give it another year.

Revenge.  I’m digging this show.  Seriously.  But then Daniel got arrested and I haven’t watched any more episodes.  Not sure why.  I think I’m just wondering how they can keep this story going, and instead of watching and seeing, I’ve just kinda turned my back on it.  I don’t know.  Just don’t know.

And finally, Smash.  I’ve recorded every episode of this show.  Haven’t watched a one.  Everyone says it’s a show that I would fall in love with.  But, seriously…you’ve read this post…I just don’t think I have time for it.  I’m kinda saving it for summer.  We’ll see.  It’s tempting just to delete them all and let them go.

So, there it is.  While you’re all watching fashion reality shows or The Voice or American Idol, I’m watching (or recording) these things.  Through this post, I’ve deleted quite a few, and I think I have a few more to go, but don’t judge me.  I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, but I like my television.  And yet, I can give it up pretty easily, too.  Erin and I didn’t turn on our tv once in Cancun, and get my nose in a good book and I’ll forget we even have a tv.

I’ll play outside, go for a hike, play a board game, or read a book; all before watching tv.  But, when I do settle down for some tv time, I’m in for awhile.  It’s my vice.  Deal with it.