My Real Life

To save money, I do all the male haircuts around here. I cut Real Man’s hair, Baby Monkey’s Hair and Monkey in the Middle’s Hair. I also cut my father’s hair. My grandma (Dad’s Mom) was a librarian, but she was also a beautician. She had a beauty shop in her basement. When I was a kid, I spent a month each summer out at her house in Ohio. I would sit on the basement steps and watch her cut and foil and color and trim and style and I loved every second of it. There is definitely a latent beautician in me. There’s something about the tidiness of it all. Split ends getting cut off, falling to the floor, being swept away. It gives me quite a thrill.

About 15 years ago, when Real Man and I started dating, I asked for an Osto Clipper Set for Christmas, so I could start cutting his hair. It took awhile for him to trust me with the clippers and his fine head of hair. So, it sat unused. Finally, he got up the courage to let me at it, and apparently I did a good job, because I’ve been his main barber ever since. Poor Elio lost a good client in Real Man. Ah well…his loss, my gain.

Anyway, I cut the all the boys hair around here. It’s a different experience with each body that sits in my chair. When I cut the adult’s hair, we chat. About work, the kids, sports, life, etc. When I cut the boys hair, it’s a different story.

With Monkey in the Middle, I always have to approach the subject of a haircut carefully, because he never remembers from time to time that it wasn’t scary or loud. Then, we ask him to be a big boy and set a good example for Baby Monkey and don’t cry or make a fuss. So, he sits in the chair, covers his ears, gets the bottom lip quiver going and asks me to take off my wedding and engagement rings. One time, one time, the clipper needed oil and so in the middle of shaving his head, the clippers made a godawful sound and he was terrified. I couldn’t tell him it was the clippers themselves, so I said it was my rings, hitting the side of the clippers. Now, the ritual is that the rings have to come off with a big flourish and be set within his eyesight. Then, we turn on the clippers and he covers his ears, and then we ask him to take the hands off the ears and hear that it’s not too loud. Eventually, we get to the point where he giggles and says I’m tickling him and that it’s not loud at all. Eventually, we get to this:

 Then, while Monkey in the Middle is finishing up, Real Man gets Baby Monkey so he can see a smiling, giggling, perfectly content Monkey in the Middle in the chair. He never buys it. As soon as he walks in the kitchen, the tears begin. No amount of example setting by his big brother or reasoning, cajoling or bribing by his parents can calm the storm. I do his head as quickly as possible, which is why his daycare is probably always wondering at the strange, stray hairs that remain and the patches down near the base of his neck that I can’t work around because he refuses to bend his head. Oh, and around the ears is always tricky too.

See if you can guess why.

However, in the end, the boys look sharp and neat and they are rewarded with an extra long bath with every bath toy in the house. Gotta get all the stray hairs off, and these are boys who love their baths, so an extra long one is actually quite a treat. So, I cut their hair because I love it and I’m frugal. But, let’s be honest… I also want to spare any poor, unsuspecting hairdresser from the drama. 

Still, look at the outcome.  Love those kids.