“Set me free, why don’t you babe?
Get out my life, why don’t you babe?
‘Cause you don’t really love me…
…you just keep me hanging on.” Kim Wilde, 1987 BF (Before Facebook)
Which Facebook ME Are YOU?
by Shane Smith
For me, Facebook is the “babe” in Kim Wilde’s classic 80’s song. I’ve been almost off Facebook more times than the 7 stranded castaways on the Isle of Gilligan. But the reasons why I beg Facebook to get out of my life are the very things that keep me hanging on. And it’s not the “you” in Facebook that does it…it’s the “mes.” Allow me to explain.
In high school, thanks to John Hughes, we all fit neatly into one of 5 social categories, right? You were either a Brain, Jock, Princess, Basket Case, or Judd Nelson. Now with all due respect to the late Mr. Hughes, none of us actually believed this to be true. I, for one, was built like Molly Ringwald, had Ally Sheedy’s dandruff, and longed to be the brainy, jocky version of the Judd Nelson rebel…minus the Judd Hirsch honker.
Nevertheless, I must steal a page from the Gospel According to John Hughes and apply this same “5 social categories” principle to you Facebookers. Or, as I like to call it, “The 5 MES of the Social Network”.
So which Facebook ME are YOU?
Are you a “Hey, remember ME”?
These aren’t actual Facebookers…they’re YearBookers. They’re the first to scan and post pics from old yearbooks and photo albums from the good ol’ days. If it were up to them, we’d celebrate reunions like birthdays and we wouldn’t need Netfix…because we’d just rent old home movies from each other during homeroom. And we’d buy the lie that we look as good in bathing suits today as we did in all those spring break pics we “just happened to find” and post while visiting mom. Shame on ME!
Are you a “Hey, look at ME”?
These are the FaceHookers. The ones voted most likely to turn their cell phone cameras around and pimp themselves out…daily. If they have children, they’ll occasionally exploit them too…but their children are more like trophies that help shine the spotlight onto “look at ME”. Or better yet, garnishes that attempt to enhance the presentation of cheap meat. And for many a FaceHooker, real tricks are being turned. Ever notice how it’s always summer in their world, their clothing stores ran out of sleeves, and their cell phone cameras are Velcroed to their bathroom mirrors?
Are you a “Hey, Facebook’s not really for ME”?
These are the FakeBookers and FaceLookers. They sign up for Facebook, go on a 24-hour friending spree, only to hide in the Facebook protection program behind the same years-old profile pic/smug shot. They know who they are, and we’re not fooled by their ambivalence toward social networking. They secretly monitor our every post, pic, and nip slip. They’re not quite voyeurs, stalkers, or gawkers…they’re more like the hall monitors of middle school, the narcs of high school, and the nosy old neighbor who peeks through her blinds every G-damn time my kids so much as breathe within 300 feet of her house. Sorry, where was I?
Are you a “Hey, help ME”?
These are the FaceHaters and FaceBaiters who routinely bitch and cry for help from the BFFs they should text in private in the event of a real emergency. For every blunt “I’m not happy with my life” or whiny “I can’t fall asleep” there’s a vague, almost redemption-fueled cry like “You know who you are” or “I know what you did last summer!” And we’re all stupid enough to take the bait because “the boy who cried wolf” is the only parable that made any sense to us growing up. Note to the “Help MES” of Facebook: In the event of an actual emergency, you can just dial 1-800-GET-OFF-THE-F**KING-COMPUTER!
Are you a “Hey, nothing…just hey from ME”?
These are the FaceInvaders who abduct our news feeds with hackneyed links and mindless musings about the contents of their refrigerators, closets, and shitters. They’re narcissistic enough to believe their midnight jaunts to 7-Eleven for Big Gulps are as newsworthy as dancing the jig with the bulls in Pamplona. Every crap they take is 1010 WINS-worthy. Maybe they share the mundane so we can feel their pain? Or maybe they fancy themselves as the Dos Equis man of Facebook…when, in fact, they are the least interesting men and women in the world.
OR…and if you’ve been tagged in this Note there’s a good chance you are…
Are you one of the rare, relevant, and refreshing Facebookers who the aforementioned 5 MES all aspire to be? Sure you may be guilty of turning the occasional nostalgic, vane, or mundane trick…but you never lose sight of what Facebook is all about. You know the difference between waste and wit, postmortem and post-worthy. Simply put, you make the Facebook world go ‘round and this world would be flat, square, shameless, and Shane-less without you.
Thank you for keeping me hanging on.
Cheers,
Shane Smith
