My Real Life

I’m not perfect.

Not by any stretch of the imagination.

Real Man is incredibly patient with me.  The minister even made a point of it in our wedding vows…”He is incredibly PATIENT, Amy.”

Like I’m such a trial to have to live with.

Sheesh!

However, there are some things I do that drive him up the wall.

Now, I didn’t consult him for this list, so these are simply my assumptions.

I’m sure he’ll chime in if I get something wrong, but I think, if anything, he may have some to add to the list.

‘Cuz I’m a trip.

—–

So, here are the Top 5 Things That I Do that Drive Real Man Crazy:

1.  Leave the drain catcher thingy out of the drain.

In our old house, where we lived for almost 7 years, we had a garbage disposal.

I realize we haven’t lived there in a year and a half, but I got very, very used to that garbage disposal.

So, every now and then, I forget to put the drain catcher thingy in the drain when I’m cleaning dishes in the sink.

Okay, maybe not every now and then.

Maybe a lot.

Maybe 9 times out of 10.

So, there’s always gunk jamming up the drain, which I never notice until the last minute because the sink is also always full of dishes.

(Emptying the dishwasher is Monkey Girl’s job…she’s not always on top of it.)

So, when Real Man walks to the sink, he says “Who didn’t put the drain in the sink???”

And it’s always me.

—–

2.  Leave the laundry in the dryer.

Sunday mornings usually go like this:

Real Man: I’m going to start the laundry.

Me: Oh, honey, don’t worry, I got it.

Sunday nights around 9 pm usually go like this.

Real Man:  Sweetie, where are the clean clothes?

Me:  Oh…um…still in the dryer.

Real Man:  Are they still drying?

Me:  Uh…no.

Real Man:  How long have they been sitting in the dryer?

Me:  Since 10 am.

Real Man:  Okay, see you in the morning.

And then he winds up staying up until midnight rewashing and drying the clothes.

I have good intentions.

I just get distracted.

—–

3.  Make baked mac and cheese for dinner.

Don’t get me wrong.

As I’ve explained several times, Real Man is fantastic about eating what I make and smiling his way through it and encouraging the monkeys to do the same.

That does not, however, mean that he likes it.

Particularly when I make baked macaroni and cheese.

I don’t really know anyone who doesn’t like macaroni and cheese, except Real Man.

However, the monkeys like it and it’s one meal that I make that doesn’t get any complaints from the kids.

So, he smiles and eats it.

But he doesn’t like it.

—–

4.  Play on the iPad while I’m watching television.

I’ve discussed this before, as well, but it’s worth repeating.

By the time we settle in to watch something on the telly at night, I’m pretty zonked.

So, if I want to stay awake through the show, I need to be doing something else.

Multitasking keeps me awake.

So, while we watch tv, I play Words With Friends, Candy Crush, hop on Facebook or Twitter, work on the blog, etc.

Real Man is sure this means I’m not paying attention, however, when asked, I can tell him every single thing that was said on the screen in the past five minutes, and analyze it’s importance to the show.

It drives him bananas.

—–

5.  Get upset when he doesn’t respond immediately when I text.

I’m an instant gratification kinda girl.

Yes, I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s before the days of the cell phone, On Demand television, and the internet, but I’ve become accustomed to it all very quickly.

And I. Want. It. Now.

So, when I text Real Man, it drives me bonkers when he doesn’t respond immediately.

I realize he may very possibly be in the middle of a meeting with his boss or speaking with a client or running a meeting or managing his team.

However, I just sent a text and I want a response yesterday.

Aside from the instant gratification, he’s also a very amusing texter, so sometimes I just need a little pick me up.

Example:

January 25, 2013 3:54 pm

Me:  Can you pick up a pizza on the way home?  I didn’t have time to get the pizza stuff and it was a long, weird day and I still have school work to do.

January 25, 2013 4:35 pm

Me:  Honey?

Real Man:  I’m confused…I thought you wanted pizza?

Me: Smarty pants.

Real Man:  What is it…pizza?  Honey?  Or pants?

Me:  Pizza pants?

Real Man:  What would you like on your pizza pants?

Me:  Half plain, half corduroy.  

OR

Me:  His phone is his alarm clock and it died overnight, so he’s running really late.

Real Man: Wow.

Me:  No shit.

Real Man:  Oh…he was constipated too?  Bad morning.

Cuz, that’s kinda the way we work.

So, I like hearing back from him, because you never know what you’re gonna get.

Which means, some texts go like this.

2:38 pm

Me:  Hi sweetie.  I’ll bring Monkey in the Middle to the rink at 5.  Okay?

2:39 pm

Me:  Okay?

2:40 pm

Me:  Honey?

2:41 pm

Me:  Hello?

2:42 pm

Me:  You know, there is no purpose in having a cell with a texting plan if you aren’t going to use it.

2:43 pm

Me:  Hello?

2:44 pm

Me:  Seriously?

3:00 pm

Real Man:  I’m sorry…did you need something?  I was in a meeting.

Because like the minister said, he’s extremely patient with me.

Today I’m taking a break from the funny, the kids, my life to ask you to think about helping to save the life of another.

I used to babysit for a sweet girl named Kerry O’Connor.

She and her family lived across the street from me when I was growing up and I would occasionally babysit for Kerry and her two older brothers.

Sweet girl, fun girl, nice girl, smart girl.

In her mother’s words:

After 27 years as an insulin dependent diabetic, she is suffering from one of the most life-threatening complications of the disease, hypoglycemic unawareness.  In non-medical terms, this means that the disease has progressed to the point that her body does not register the fact that her blood sugar levels are dropping.  While she has experienced other complications as well, most notably loss of vision in her left eye and severe gastroparesis (nerve damage to her digestive tract), the hypoglycemia has forced her to give up many of the things in her life that she loves.  She can no longer work as a nurse or even be left alone.  At times, just ordinary tasks, such as folding laundry, can cause her blood sugars to plummet.

Kerry needs a pancreas transplant.

Kerry has been listed as an active pancreas transplant candidate at the university of Minnesota Medical Center, one of the few places that performs “pancreas only” transplants.  In addition, it is well equipped to handle the range of Kerry’s medical complications that add to the difficulty of this surgery.  The down side to this choice is the distance and length of stay that will be required in both the pre- and post-transplant phases.  This is where your support though the raffle comes in.  While Kerry and her husband, Bill, have good medical coverage, it does not cover all of the expenses for Kerry’s immunosuppressant medications, transportation or lodging that she will need during the first post-transplant year.

So, those who love Kerry have begun to do some fundraising to help Kerry meet all of the costs that she will face during this critical time.

If you feel as though you might be able to give a small amount, please visit this website that was created by Kerry’s mother, a retired high school teacher from my alma mater.  Donations are given to HelpHOPELive, a non-profit organization that assists the transplant community.  All information can be found at the site.

As a diabetic and someone with a history with Kerry and her family, this cause is so dear to my heart.

If you can help, thank you.  Even if you can’t, send some good, strong, positive, healing thoughts Kerry’s way.

It is all appreciated.

Remember this post?

Here’s that door today:

Still there.

So, the cover is set for the book and the publication date has been pushed up to mid-March!

This is so very, very exciting!

Here is the cover:

 

Check out the awesome blogs on the back cover!  I still can’t believe that I’m associated with them.  They are so very talented!

The person who pulled us all together is Jen from “People I Want to Punch in the Throat.”

Jen and I went to junior high together and then she moved away.

We reconnected through Facebook and I’ve been thrilled to watch as her blog went viral, last year, with her post about Overachieving Moms and the Elf on the Shelf.

She wrote a book and had it published in time for the holidays this year.

Then, she came up with the idea for this anthology.

And here we are!

On another note, in the next few days, we’ll be switching to our new domain: amysreallife.com  It’s not up and running as of today, but it’s scheduled to go live on February 25th, if everything goes as scheduled.  I will not have a post on Monday in order to facilitate the switch, but I’ll be back on Tuesday and we should be set!

So, exciting times around here…good things to come!

1. What is a hobby you would love to learn and why? 

I would love to learn to play the cello.

I’ve thought about it so many times over the years.

Such a soulful instrument.  My favorite of the strings.

I would love to be able to play and play and play.

Maybe…I’m still young.

2. What do you wish you could have delivered to your house but does not deliver?

Really?

Is there still something that they won’t deliver?

I don’t think so.

I mean, I can’t call up and have someone bring me a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup right now, but I can have my groceries delivered and I can put them on the list.

Oh, I see.  I don’t want to wait until I’ve made my list.

So, I guess that would be it.

Chocolate on demand.

3. What’s your favorite snow day activity? Inside and out?

Let’s just get the “out” out of the way right now.

There’s nothing I like to do outside in the snow.

If I could have outside snow fun without being cold and wet, I’d love to go sledding.

I love speed.  Love it.

However, I hate being cold and wet, so that’s the end of that.

Inside?

I love snuggling under a blanket and reading with a hot cup of tea on a snowy day.

Monkey Girl usually gets a book, I get a book, we cover up and lay on the couch together and just read.

The boys wind up playing something next to the couch and it’s all good.

4. Would you meet a stranger from an Internet dating site?

If I wasn’t married, I’m not sure I’d even try an Internet dating site.

People lie enough straight to your face…they can lie that much more online.

That being said, I have quite a few friends who have met their spouses online and they are all very, very happy.

I’m not sure it’s for me.

But that’s not to say that it doesn’t work.
5. If you had to spend 35 hours in a car with 4 other people, who would you choose?

I’d choose 5 and they all live here.

If you mean outside the family, I’d choose Kim, Erin and Michaela.

If you are going to hold me to 4 to be true to the question, I guess we’d leave Tiny with my parents.

Not because I like him any less, but because I think the car would get old for him way earlier than 35 hours.

1.  When left to their own devices, the amount of dirty outfits is always higher than the pairs of dirty underwear in my boys closet.

2.  For the past three months, Baby Monkey has been trying to convince me that he doesn’t sleep at all during the night.  When I tell him that I go check on him and kiss him in the middle of the night and he is fast asleep, he tells me that he’s faking.  I am quite tempted to carry him to another part of the house while he is sleeping just so that I can hear the story he makes up about how he got there.

3.  Today, Baby Monkey started singing “Here Comes the Maid…Here Comes the Maid.”  We watched our wedding video with the kids last night.  Coincidence?

4.  I may be the only viewer of Downton Abbey who wasn’t upset when Matthew Crawley was killed off on Sunday night.  Oh…sorry…spoiler alert.  From the second the actor announced he was leaving, I was annoyed and was ready for his character to meet a fiery death.  So, although I didn’t get the fire, he wound up with a car on top of him and that was fine with me.

Because, see, I like the way the Brits work.  They aren’t so cowed by celebrity that they’ll write a ridiculous storyline to ensure that an actor can come back if he/she changes his mind.  Like, remember on Days of Our Lives when they put Dr. Drake Ramore in a coma so that… wait, hang on…

The Brits, they say “You’re quitting our show because you think you can do better elsewhere?  Fine, have at it.  But, we’re killing you off so you can’t fall back on us when your ‘big break’ doesn’t pan out.”

I respect that.

5.  My Mom is reading this right now and she wants to comment that the reason I love the Brits is because I am part British.  However, let me be clear.  If #4 was about how I like the Germans, she’d say it was because I was part German.  And if it was about how I like the Swahili, she’d say it was because I’m part Swahili, because, according to my Mother, I’m a little bit of everything.  Oh, and I’m related to everyone, as well.  The Roosevelt’s, the Queen of England, perhaps even Sacajawea.  Okay, I made the last one up, but she does say that I get my cheekbones from the native American side of the family.

Yep.

6.  I realize I am not fooling anyone with the demure-sized servings I give myself at dinner every night.  We all know I’m finishing up whatever is left on everyone else’s plates when I clear the table.

7.  Part of the reason I want to be cremated when I die is because I know I won’t be happy with my hair (or my outfit) and eternity is a mighty long time for a bad hair day.

8.  If it was socially acceptable for me to go to bed at 7:00 pm, I totally would.

9. I haven’t gotten my car washed in over a year because I just don’t have the energy to clean it out first.

10. My kids feet stink.  Like, seriously, stinky funky stank.  They are cute feet.  But they stink.

I told her that as soon as she got it down, I’d post it.

Not only did she get it down, she also learned the second verse.

So, here’s Monkey Girl and the cup song from “Pitch Perfect,” which I still won’t let her watch.

That’sa my girl.

So, Monkey Girl got a text from a friend inviting her to spend the night.

She was in church when the text came, so she didn’t get it until she got home.

She texted back a request for a little more information, like times, etc. but her friend didn’t text back for awhile.

Monkey Girl is a child of the information and instant gratification age, so she immediately decided that her friend must have already invited someone else.

I immediately told her to be patient, but, of course, that didn’t make her feel better.

So, I started with the stories.

Erin, Kim and Michaela can tell you, my history with making up nonsensical stories to explain things goes way back.

Monkey Girl:  I think she invited someone else and doesn’t know how to tell me.

Me:  Maybe, she’s in church now and her ring tone is a Justin Bieber song and she didn’t have her phone on vibrate and in the middle of church, you texted her back and suddenly “Swag, swag, swag on you, chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue,” went ringing out through the church and so her parents confiscated her phone for a week.

Monkey Girl:  Or, maybe she invited someone else and she doesn’t know how to tell me.

Me:  Maybe, just maybe, when you texted her back, she was taking her dog for a walk, and her ringtone is the sound of a small mouse and it went off just as a hawk was circling overhead and the hawk heard it, swooped down and snatched it right out of her hand.

Monkey Girl:  Or, maybe she invited someone else and she doesn’t know how to tell me.

Me:  Maybe she got your text and went to ask her Mom for some more details, but her Mom is in the shower and in HER house, no one bothers the Mom when she’s in the shower.

(That one got a big laugh out of Real Man)

Monkey Girl:  Or, maybe she invited someone else and she doesn’t know how to tell me.

Me:  Maybe, she had a problem with biting her nails and she underwent hypnosis to stop and her ringtone is the trigger to undo the hypnosis, and when you texted, the ringtone went off, undid the hypnosis and she went on a nail biting frenzy and actually chewed her fingers off so she can’t text you back.

Monkey Girl:  You can imagine her response.

Me:  Maybe, she was in the car when you texted her back and her ringtone is a digital signal sound, and as your text came in, the digital sound went off, but she happened to be driving by a nuclear power plant and the digital sound deactivated their computerized safety controls and the plant went into nuclear meltdown and they were stopped by military police and her phone was confiscated.

Monkey Girl:  Maybe.