My friend, Stacey, who writes the amazing blog, From Grind to Whine, recently posted this article on Facebook.
You’ll remember that I posted a link to an article about why French children are so much more patient than American children, and while this one draws many of the same conclusions, it offers some other insights for us.
As the mother of a 6 and an 8 year old who cannot tie their own shoes, (we buy velcro), I found the article compelling, and I was interested to reflect on my own parenting behavior.
I definitely don’t engage in many of the behaviors that they mention and Real Man and I are nothing if not consistent with the “no’s.” However, none of our kids would have been cutting through the bush with a machete at age 3. That, I can guarantee.
So, as always, it’s good to read and reflect and make some changes to help empower the kids. I hope you read, enjoy and reflect!
Well that was depressing huh? ;0) I tell ya I can’t stand young adults who feel and act entitled and it drives me nutty beyond belief when I see glimmers of it in my four year old. With that said (and I’m NOT at all dodging the blame for some of this) the phrase it takes a village comes to mind. What I mean is, you and Real Man or my hubby and I can do all we can to raise kids who don’t fall into these traps BUT if the rest of the world around us (grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, teachers etc) are not on board it is an uphill battle at best. Ask my mom…we have the conversation at least twice a month about not buying “a little treat” for S everytime they leave the house. Do I understand why a grandparent wants to do so? Sure. Does it make it exceedingly impossible to go to Target without a full scale battle on my hands to get past the $1 (crap) aisle? You betcha.
Ok so that’s an example that is easily remedied cuz realistically my mom really will do her best honor what I ask of her. But here’s the tougher one….the hidden sources of influence on ALL of this stuff. There are truly thousands of interactions where our kids pick these craptastic behaviors up and none of them are directly controlled by us. I’ve truly had this conversation with D about 20 times lately when I have gotten the “no” or the behavioral fight of death from S over something “simple” like picking a book for storytime. I looked at him last night with the “what the heck happened to our kid who said please & thank you and yes mama”? Bc it seems like a band of aliens have abducted her and replaced her with the “I don’t want to” “no!” and “why?!” monster. Is this a household dynamic issue? Is it cultural? Is it normal four year old testing behavior? Yes. Yes. and Yes.
I guess my ultimate point in all of these reflections is that instead of looking at a family living in the bush and comparing our kids to a reality that is nowhere near ours maybe the key is to try to figure out where in our own reality we are missing the mark. I’d like to point out that as I try to type this S is being a 100% brat and slamming a book in my face to get my attention.
The message? Put down your phone mama or I will continue to misbehave until I get your undivided attention. Point taken.
Comment by Heather — July 5, 2012 @ 8:31 am |
I agree…it’s hard to compare to such a different reality, but the points are still salient ones. I’m working on it and doing lots of reflection, this summer!
Comment by abozza — July 7, 2012 @ 3:45 pm |
Just catching up now and saw this. First, thank you for the lovely mention and linkback. Second, I can’t get this article out of my head either. All week while we were down the shore, I found myself child watching. (I sheepishly admit scoping my own and other people’s kids, too.) So many of our protective, “helpful” gestures and actions seem so very different when I view them with this article in mind. I completely agree with Heather about this being an uphill battle since I think we are the fighting minority here with these concerns. But I still think it’s worth the fight.
Our latest effort, albeit a small one, is focused on phrasing, followed by action. “Mommy, I’m thirsty,” is now met with a, “Hi Thirsty. I’m Mommy.” After a brief pause, it becomes, “Can I please have something to drink?” to which we reply, “Sure.” Then we do nothing and watch. At times, it’s frustrating, but at other times, it’s kind of entertaining. We watch the wheels turn as they’re working through their confusion. Sometimes we get an annoyed, “Well, are you going to get me something to drink?” and we answer, “No,” or a more helpful, “No, but you can get yourself something to drink.” But lately, after a few initial rounds of this game, they catch on and simply walk into the kitchen and do things for themselves.
This is only one example, but I feel like this article opened my eyes up to so many things I jump to do for them when I should be teaching them to do for themselves in many areas. After all, isn’t our job to teach them and prepare themselves to fly? Is this some subconscious master plan to keep them from leaving our nests by making them helpless?
As tough as it is, this summer, I’m determined to toughen up and force them into a higher level of self-sufficiency. I’ll keep you updated if any of my efforts show results.
Comment by StaceyMaisch — July 6, 2012 @ 11:52 am |
I really like the re-phrasing idea. I’ve been doing something similar, this week, while we were on vacation and it seemed to be working. Still working on it, and also planning on dealing with it this summer.
Comment by abozza — July 7, 2012 @ 3:43 pm |