My Real Life

So, I’ve already explained that Monkey Girl suffers from some pretty severe allergies.

Honestly, even saying it that way is an understatement.

By 6:30 last night, the whites of her right eyeball had become blistered and had swollen up to start to cover and overlap the beautiful blue of her eye.

It was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen.

However, I kept my Mommy-Cool and said “Real Man…dinner is ready.  You and the boys enjoy, I’m taking la chica to the ER.”

I’m not a fan of going to the ER.

There are some seriously injured people in the world, and I’d rather save the doctors and nurses and resources for them.

However, when you are looking at your 9 year old daughters eye and it appears as though it is actually about to pop…

…you take her to the ER.

It was packed in the ER.

Packed.

So, we didn’t get seen until around 8:30.

They confirmed that it was due to allergies, gave us a prescription for Patanol and sent us home.

On the way, we stopped at a 24-hour CVS to get the prescription filled.

Here, I must digress.

I don’t shop at CVS.

CVS is very much like Target to me.

There is almost nothing that CVS carries that I can’t rationalize putting in my basket and buying.

So, along with the prescription, we left CVS with 2 paperbacks, a 75% off solid chocolate bunny (which is just waiting for me to dip it in peanut butter), a box of tissues, and a “Yikes” magazine for Monkey Girl.

I think we showed remarkable restraint.

Anyway, we got home around 9:00 and Real Man had heated up dinner for us, so we sat at the kitchen island and chatted with Real Man while we ate.

Apparently, I was chatting too much and not chewing too well, and swallowed a too-large piece of roast beef.

Let’s rephrase…

I tried to swallow a too-large piece of roast beef.

Instead, I choked on it.

So, I could barely breathe, but couldn’t swallow at all.

My throat was making this awful gurgling sound, and as I tried to drink water, to flush it down, the water came right back out.

I tried looking up at the ceiling and swallowing.

I tried looking at the floor and swallowing.

I tried to make myself vomit to get it out of my freaking throat.

None of it worked.

For about 5 minutes, I tried to get that out, but couldn’t, and my breathing became more and more difficult.

Real Man did some type of modified heimlich maneuver, and that didn’t work, either.

So, he called 911.

They said they were sending the squad, and kept him on the line while I continued to try to dislodge the roast beef.

About three minutes after he called, it must have mushed enough that it finally slid down.

I said, “It’s down, it’s down! Tell them the squad doesn’t have to come.”

However, that’s not a bell you can unring.

They were on their way.

So, we sat in the living room and waited for them.

We saw the police lights before they reached our house, and then watched them drive right by.

We saw the ambulance lights before they reached our house, and then watched them drive right by.

Took them awhile to figure out we weren’t up the street, and Real Man and I were grateful that I wasn’t still choking, but, eventually, they made it to the house.

They came in, asked some questions, made me sign a waiver that I didn’t want to go to the hospital, and were on their way.

As we walked them out, Baby Monkey’s teacher from last year, who lives around the corner was walking up the driveway to see if we needed her to stay with the kids or to see if everyone was okay.

That was VERY sweet of her.

My greatest fear was that they would realize that we had just come from the ER with Monkey Girl and think that we were some crazy people who had both Munchausen and Munchausen by Proxy.

Luckily, they didn’t.

Strangely, there are probably people way weirder than us out there.

So, that was our Wednesday night.

Seriously…

…you just can’t make this stuff up.