My Real Life

April 16, 2013

Guilt

Filed under: Uncategorized — Amy @ 6:00 am

I had a long day yesterday.

In the middle of my long day, I read this post and it broke my heart.

I cried, alone in my classroom, during my lunch break.

After school, I had a meeting and when the meeting was over, Monkey Girl and I hit the pharmacy to pick up a prescription.

While we waited, I checked Facebook on my phone and saw a bunch of posts about something happening in Boston.

When Monkey Girl and I got in the car, we turned on talk radio and heard more about it.

On the way to the bank, Monkey Girl read me a few news reports, and by the time we were actually heading home, all I wanted to do was get home and hug my babies.

I envisioned us snuggling on the couch, watching whatever the hell they wanted, or playing a board game or coloring or…

You get the picture.

As I pulled in the driveway, Tiny’s babysitter pulled in behind me to drop him off.

He had a runny nose and was grumpy.

She said he had been biting during the day and wasn’t in a great mood.

I picked him up and held on tight and in we went.

Where we were met with Monkey in the Middle and Baby Monkey, both of whom were already whining about homework and the fact that there was roast beef for dinner.

Over the course of the next two hours, there was biting (from Tiny), fresh talk (from Monkey in the Middle), and crying and stomping around (from Baby Monkey).

My parents stopped by because my Dad has been out of town for a week and he missed the monkeys and even they couldn’t get out of here fast enough.

And finally, it got to the point where I just wanted to be left alone for five minutes.

Two hours earlier, all I could think about was getting my hands on those little people and hugging them and snuggling them and just loving the heck outta them.

And now, I wanted an escape.

And the guilt began to creep in.

What was wrong with me?

Had I forgotten about the awful things that had happened to so many people throughout the day?

Had I forgotten about the frailty of human life?  The fact that life is short and that we should appreciate every single second we are given and squander it and wish it away?

And then I realized, no…I hadn’t forgotten.

I still remembered and my heart still broke for all of those who suffered that day.

And I can remember and mourn and cry and at the same time, realize, that life goes on.

It goes on all around us.

I can feel the pain and still be annoyed at the behavior of my kids and not need to feel guilty about it.

It’s okay.

It reminded me of this post by Jessica Watson, one of my co-authors, as she describes how she learned to go on after losing her daughter.

I’ve shared it before, but I think it’s worth another read.

So, hug your babies tight for sure.

But remember…it’s okay to be human.

12 Comments »

  1. As I read your post, it reminded me of the power of expectations. It seems like the times where I find myself wanting to run far away and escape are too often linked to expectations I’ve built up in my mind, but aren’t shared by others. If only…

    I can relate to your experience.

    Deep Pace

    Comment by Jeff — April 16, 2013 @ 7:13 am | Reply

  2. I couldn’t agree more. I think part of the problem is the kids don’t know we want it to be all special and meaningful, they just go on their regular selves… which sometimes is whining, crying, etc.

    Comment by anna — April 17, 2013 @ 9:30 pm | Reply

    • Exactly.

      Comment by WordPress.com Support — April 17, 2013 @ 9:31 pm | Reply

  3. Great post — a great reminder to live in the little moments without expectations. So hard to do…

    Comment by Apple Hill Cottage — April 20, 2013 @ 2:24 pm | Reply

    • Definitely so hard to do. Thanks!

      Comment by WordPress.com Support — April 23, 2013 @ 9:37 pm | Reply

  4. What a great post. You know, I think about this all the time. Some days my heart breaks for other people, but I feel like sometimes, I have to push those feelings aside, because everyone around me still need me to be ok. You know? You’re right. Life goes on all around us. I think there has to be some balance between empathy and living while we have life.
    Really good thoughts.
    ~FringeGirl

    Comment by The Domestic Fringe — April 20, 2013 @ 7:17 pm | Reply

    • Thanks…I appreciate it!

      Comment by WordPress.com Support — April 23, 2013 @ 9:37 pm | Reply

  5. I agree with you so much, I’ve also felt the guilt when others have lost their loved ones or children, totally understand this. Oh and I found you through the Domestic Fringe

    Comment by Jennifer DeRouen (@SassyInspired) — April 20, 2013 @ 10:58 pm | Reply

    • Thanks for coming by!

      Comment by WordPress.com Support — April 23, 2013 @ 9:37 pm | Reply

  6. Thank you for saying this. It’s so important to remember that life still has its personal challenges as well as the tragic ones that surround us. It is okay to need a break sometimes.

    Comment by Xiomara Maldonado | Equis Place — April 24, 2013 @ 10:38 am | Reply


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