So, I’ve always wanted to be a rock star.
I’ve also always known it was never going to happen.
However, I’ve recently rekindled my rock star dreams.
Not for the money.
Not for the fame.
Simply so that I can record a rock and roll Christmas song.
Cuz, when you’re a rock star, you can record any Christmas song you want.
And it will get lots and lots of play.
Because, when stations go “All Christmas, All The Time,” let’s face it…
…there are only so many songs to play.
So, if you’ve got a name, you’ve got the go-ahead to make a Christmas recording.
This post was sparked by listening to Stevie Nicks wretching out Silent Night.
I listen to it and I imagine some 80 year old woman, teetering around on too-high heels, wearing too much makeup, microphone in one hand, vodka on the rocks in the other, winking at strange men as she makes her rounds of the cocktail lounge.
It’s that good.
But, Stevie doesn’t have the corner on horrifying Christmas songs.
I have always been one of her biggest fans.
Yet, even a 15 year-old me knew that she was way, way out of her league with “Santa Baby.”
Her version was actually a little creepy.
Then we have Wham! and “Last Christmas.”
The lyrics, the totally ‘80’s melody.
Band-Aid with “Do They Know it’s Christmas Time?”
I have never been able to take that one seriously.
It’s just too self-righteous and selfish for my taste.
Not really like, “let’s help these people,” but more like, “these people have some serious problems…they don’t even know it’s Christmas, but phewf…at least it’s not us!”
The show Glee took the song to it’s lowest point, last week, when the kids from the McKinley High Glee club stood in the soup kitchen, singing the song to the poor people eating their soup kitchen Christmas dinner, and actually had the nerve to sing the words “Well, tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you.”
Band-Aid, I think those “clanging chimes of doom” are ringing for you.
Then, there are just the plain, old bad Christmas songs.
I know some people love them, but there are some songs that just make me twitch.
“Christmas Shoes” is the worst offender.
It is clearly a song written to make people cry.
Why? Why would you do that to people?
“Father Christmas” by the Kinks.
I can’t get on board with that one.
“Father Christmas, give me some money.”
A group of jerky kids mugging Santa?
And two classics that I cannot tolerate…
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
“Dominic the Donkey.”
Sorry, but I just can’t do it.
Those two make my ears bleed.
So, yes, when I become a rock star, I’m going to write a Christmas song.
But, I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to go for greatness, or if I’ll try to write the most spectacularly bad Christmas song of all time.
I think the latter would be a lot more fun.